Have you ever had that feeling?
you know,
THAT feeling,
that maybe,
just maybe,
you must be too awful, too weird, or too unlikeable?
.....to just survive anymore?
That maybe,
just maybe,
you must be too much?
too damaged?
too broken?
too hurt?
too unrelatable?
.....to just have a few people who truly love you?
That maybe,
just maybe,
a bit too YOU?
....to just feel 'normal'.
Ive been in a season such as this...
feeling like,
maybe,
just maybe,
I have been a bit too ME lately.
Ive been feeling so awful, so weird and so unlikeable.
too much,
too damaged,
too broken,
too hurt,
too unrelatable.
way too ME.
that's for certain.
everywhere I go, there I am.
Perhaps in a different season, I would ask myself, "missy, are you believing a lie or the truth?" and then list all the reasons why this must be a lie,
because in a different season, i had alot more friends, family, and people.
in a different season, i had a lot less duchenne.
it seemed easier to see the lies,
it was easier to find the truth.
but, this time...this season...
I cant.
every. single. sign, points to truth.
the obvious screams so loud.
and the reality is,
in this season,
God is completely silent and His written words just dont add up anymore,
My immediate family has passed away,
My extended family is completely nonexistent,
My in-laws are uninterested,
and my friends have all dissipated, turned away, and went on with their lives.
the only ones who seem to notice my sole existence, are those who rely on me to live,
many of which are not even human.
and it honestly freaking hurts.
so freaking much.
and honestly, im a bit embarrassed to be so vulnerable,
sharing this downright pathetic cry for acknowledgment,
love,
understanding,
help,
encouragement,
relatability.
I am plagued by my expectations of 'how it should be'.
and Im not sure if there is any amount of therapy or medication to really help accept the plague of reality for 'what it actually is'.
duchenne has changed me.
grief, sadness, and despair, have changed me.
my loneliness and complete lack of people, has changed me.
its not you, its me.
this life is not one I would have picked for myself.
or anyone else for that matter.
and if i could go back, i would.
in a heartbeat.
in this season, i feel a bit hopeless,
very heartbroken,
and
simply put, hurt.
but also,
somehow,
someway,
i am finding some sort of healing.
healing in the hopeless,
healing in the heartbreak,
healing in the hurt.
and i am beginning to see,
i think its okay.
to just be ME.
for real.
for weird.
for crazy.
Afterall, Jesus didn't hang out with the "normal" people, right?
He didn't die for the "perfect" people.
and one thing I dont doubt, is His love for ME, despite me, being ME.
If you can relate, or dont mind me being ME and you want to be YOU, lets go have a margarita.
please.
xo
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