To Do. To Do. To Do.

Do you ever feel like you have literally so many things on your TO DO list, you basically need a whole notebook to list them all...like one sheet of paper is just not enough? And you must write each item down as you think of them because all your mind can do is focus on all the things you have TO DO!? Well that's where I have been lately. I just feel like there are SO many things to do...to be...to see...to make...to say..to buy...to have...to play...to feel...so many things...before its too late. Before duchenne completely takes over. Before duchenne takes Masons full ability to walk. And then Jaxtons. Before duchenne sucks all life out of my boys. Before duchenne swallows us whole. A simple to do list can be so much more significant than checking the email, picking up dog poop, and folding the huge pile of laundry on the bed. A simple to do list...boy how I miss those.

If i listed all the things on my to do list right now, you would cry for me. I cry for me everyday. I cry for my boys, because their daily to do list is also ridiculous. You see, duchenne not only comes with a whole lot of tears, it also comes with a whole lot of chores. Especially, it seems, as the kiddos get older. As their bodies grow and change...as the medications take a toll...as the chores become harder...and their little bodies get weaker. The TO DO list gets longer. ALL THE THINGS, get so much harder. Harder for them to do and harder for me to watch.

And as this past week came to an end, I was feeling a bit run down and a bit mad at myself because spring break was coming to an end, and i felt like we did nothing on my spring break to do list. I dont think we had much fun to be honest...the boys did alot of fighting and arguing and I did alot of punishing and lecturing. I even had this grand vision of all the fun we would have...as I do for most school breaks...and that vision always becomes a blurry dream in the back of the real reality.

So, by Sunday, I was eager and ready to get in that car and get those ungrateful kids back to church. (:)) I mean, they have a house to sleep in, food to eat, water to drink, they should be SOOOO grateful..RIGHT>!?...even though we couldn't go to DisneyLAND like Suzy or to the snow like Joe, or to the beach like brian....they should be grateful...

and then it hit me...

so should I....

See, I spent alot of time during the week being annoyed by people and their social media posts and if I am honest by some of their invitations. Its just still pretty hard to be reminded of the sports we no longer get to play and the things we no longer get to do. Its hard to be reminded of the family we dont have and the vacations that are just too hard to take. Its HARD going to the park, on a hike, or to the zoo....duchenne makes the simplest of things on the to do list...SO hard.

But then, there I was in the sermon...Blaine was off fishing...kids were in their classes...and I was certain...they needed to be there more than I...

And as I read the title of the sermon..."white-knuckled" I kinda was annoyed, because I had SO much TO DO...and now here I sit for an hour listening to some sermon probably about boxing...I mean because when I think of white knuckles, I think of my fist, and then I think of punching...I dont know...boxing and Jesus...they go together right?! And my TO DO LIST WAS SO LONG....but my ungrateful kids just needed to be there...so there I sat.

And then our teaching pastor told a story of a monkey and a jar. I would say, if you want to know more, watch the sermon.

The visual of a monkey trying to fetch a shiny thing from a jar, but every time he would try to pull his clenched fist back thru the jar, it wouldn't fit...and eventually the monkey was captured. When, if he would have just LET GO of the object, pulled his had out and ran...he would have remained free...but he allowed that shiny object to control his destiny.

Isn't that interesting. If he just LET GO, he would have remained free. And as much as I do have to do alot of the things on my to do list, I also need to trust God. I need to LET GO of the lie and be free to live in the truth. And the truth is...as long as Jesus is walking next to us....He's got it all...including Duchenne and no amount of check marks on my list is going to change that. So, we went home and instead of washing my floors, or organizing toy bins, or cleaning the back yard...we had friends over, had lunch, and enjoyed the beautiful weather.

I let go.